Bachelor Australia Season 4 Episode 3

Aerial Love and Sumo Suits

Oh my God. Can we just skip ahead to when all the mean girls are gone? Normally I wouldn’t be so scathing of women on TV, because I know they’re actual people with feelings, but some of these girls are absolutely horrendous to watch. I’m not silly – I know that the producers ply everyone with alcohol 24/7 and pressure them to say dumb things, but seriously, do they have to resort to such bad behaviour? Did Keira decide on Day 1 that she didn’t actually like Richie and so allocated herself as the stirrer of the group? And don’t get me started on Rachael or Georgia. I am really hoping the producers are just picking their worst moments – when they’re overtired and a bit emotional – and that they’re actually nice people 90% of the time.

So we start the episode with Keira’s ‘I just don’t trust her’ whinge from last week – referring to Alex and her use of the white rose. More on that later. And then there’s a preview of today’s extravagant single date, which for some reason we are prematurely told is with Megan.

The women all lounge around the pool. Keira has swapped her choker for a bandana. I’m starting to wonder if she has some sort of offensive neck tattoo that she’s been told to cover up or something. Or maybe she just has a really cold neck. I also wonder why she wears lipstick the same colour as her face skin. And then licks her teeth all the time. It’s weirding me out.

OAG shows up. He’s a breath of fresh air, looking fetching in a dark blue button-up shirt with a peek of a white t-shirt underneath. He drops off the first date card, and Eliza launches herself at it.

Today’s single date means the lucky recipient will spend a ‘whole day’ with Richie – which I previously assumed went without saying. But there you go.

Love Is In The Air

And because we saw the preview mere seconds ago, we are anti-climatically informed that Megan will be going on this one.

Everyone claps, and Megan does some sort of head-banging / hair shaking movement in response.

Keira doesn’t have enough dirt on Megan yet, so her reaction is a wary ‘I don’t know her very well, but I don’t know if they have a future together.’

Megan arrives at a cliff overlooking the beach. Richie greets her with the information that they’ll be having a picnic today – suspended hundreds of feet in the air on a glass platform hanging from a crane.

Megan admits it’s a romantic, yet terrifying idea. Of course Richie isn’t afraid. This is practically his job – minus the Lindt chocolate product placement.

Once in the air, Richie makes them recreate the scene from Titanic (the king of the world one, not the one where Jack is about to die from hypothermia) and then they sit with their legs dangling over the edge. Megan takes it all in her stride, and I think Richie was a little put out that she wasn’t more afraid.

They talk about relationships and adventures. Megan tells Richie she can usually tell within five to ten minutes of meeting someone whether they have relationship potential. And yes, Richie definitely does. He is stoked.

Back at the mansion, Keira snatches the next date card from some poor intern and informs everyone that the next outing is a group date.

Let The Good Times Roll

There is the usual speculation about what this date might entail. Some of the women get particularly excited about the notion of jumping into clear plastic bubbles and rolling down a hill.

Rachael tells us she doesn’t want a group date, so naturally hers is the first name on the card.

The other invitees are: Alex, Nikki, Sasha, Marja, Janey, Kiki, Tolyna, Noni, Keira, Tiffany and Sophie.

Keira thinks they’ll be rollerblading and tells us she’s a pro. Of course she is.

Meanwhile on the date, Richie and Megan arrive at a pretty old house for afternoon tea. Megan is wearing a casual version of the Jessica Rabbit dress with white sneakers.

They talk about romance and commitment, and Richie says it’s easier for him to show his feelings rather than say them.

Megan tells us graciousness is one of the most important things for her to see in a guy, and yes, Richie has that quality.

Richie gives her the rose and goes in for a kiss, only Megan turns her head to the side at the last minute. Oops. She tells the camera she has no idea why she did that and hopes to get a do-over. Soon, damn it.

Cue several minutes of Megan guzzling red wine and looking longingly at Richie’s lips. They talk about how if Richie didn’t like nature, it would be a deal-breaker for her, and then Richie FINALLY leans in for another kiss. This time Megan doesn’t turn away and they make out.

Then Richie has to narrate the moment.

‘That was really nice. Nice kiss.’

*sigh* Nothing says romance like describing in detail the physical act you just engaged in.

It’s time for the group date!

The girls meet OAG at a roller rink where he hints that they won’t be doing what they expect. I was a bit confused, because I assumed they’d be roller-skating, and then Richie shows up on roller-skates. He looks adorably dorky in a tank top, shorts and so much protective clothing you can barely see any skin.

Keira tells us that she’s a princess. ‘I don’t do that stuff.’

Oh. OK then. I hadn’t realised how different skating was from blading.

The Sydney roller derby league skate out and give the girls a demo, because the girls are about to compete in their own derby.

Alex and Rachael are super stoked. I think Alex is secretly looking forward to being allowed to push Keira over.

But Keira tells us she’s not playing. ‘I want to go to bed,’ she whines.

Richie tells them there will be a VIP street party for the winning team. Whatever a VIP street party is. This must be enough motivation for Keira, because she reluctantly heads off with the others to change.

They then form two teams. The blue team calls itself Bangers & Smash, while the red team is called the Crushers.

Richie decides that the girls don’t look silly enough and forces them into baggy sumo suits to avoid injury.

Marja tells us that people refer to her energetically as a Jack Russell, and uses her tenaciousness to score the first three points.

At some point, Keira pulls one of the girls onto the ground, meaning the other team scores a three point bonus. Kiki gets in her face about it, because she does not want her team to lose.

‘Let’s just not get angry and psycho about it,’ Keira says. Because I’m assuming she doesn’t want anyone muscling in on her domain as the resident angry psycho?

Keira then manages to fall over and can’t get back up. No one stops to help her, and they all delightedly compare her to a cockroach scrambling around on its back.

It’s a classy show we’re all watching here.

Tolyna wins the game for her team (at this point I didn’t even notice if it was red or blue) and half the group migrate a few metres to side of the rink for their special party, while the other half go home.

The event consists of a street food van, fairy lights and a strategically placed advertisement for Tyrrell’s wine.

Janey is stoked. Apparently her perfect date involves markets with fairy lights and ice cream. She sits down with Richie for a chat and tells him she doesn’t do sports. He looks a bit bemused by this revelation.

Tiffany is next and says how she has this visualisation each rose ceremony about puking and having one of the girls make a puke / snow angel in it – or something. Cue second bemused reaction from Richie.

Tolyna sits down and looks like she’s withdrawing from medication. She’s jumpy and sweaty and answers everything with fast, blunt statements.

‘Who is Tolyna?’ Richie asks.

‘That’s too confronting,’ she says. ‘I don’t open up. But if someone can crack that, it’s beautiful.’

She then goes on to tell him she’s 32 but not yet ready for kids because she wants to keep travelling. And then she suggests they return to the group.

Oh look! There’s bemused look number three from Richie! I have a feeling he wishes the other colour team had won.

After a quick scene transition, it’s time for the next pre-rose ceremony cocktail party!

The girls speculate on whether Alex will use the white rose. Sasha says she told her she won’t. Keira naturally thinks she’s shouldn’t.

But what happens when Richie comes along and tells Alex that he’s allowed to whisk her away to their secret hide-out if he wants to? Apparently that is also incredibly selfish of Alex.

Seriously? I can’t imagine there would be one girl (apart from maybe Tolyna) who would turn down an invite from Richie to talk to him. I was actually getting quite indignant on Alex’s behalf.

But that’s not the only drama, because apparently Megan revealed to a couple of the girls that she kissed Richie, and somehow it just gets back to Keira now.

‘Ew! I don’t want sloppy seconds,’ she screeches.

Then what the eff are you doing on a show where you have to share a man with over twenty women, sweetheart?

The rose ceremony arrives – thank God.

OAG reveals that since Megan already has a rose and there are only thirteen more roses to hand out, three women will be going home tonight.

Kiki and Rachael are visibly annoyed by this revelation, huffing quietly at the injustice of it all.

Roses go to:

  • Noni
  • Kiki
  • Nikki
  • Olena
  • Keira (Come on! Enough already!)
  • Marja
  • Alex
  • Faith
  • Rachael
  • Sophie
  • Georgia
  • Sasha

And

  • Eliza?

I have to admit, I was a bit shocked. I had actually already started writing down Tiffany’s name when Richie called out his final pick.

Sasha cries, apparently because of Tolyna. Tolyna is weirdly upset to be going home, and I can only imagine it’s because she wanted to stay and hang out for a bit longer with Sasha.

Tiffany and Janey leave with quiet dignity. Janey tells us she still hopes to find her fairytale prince one day. Aw. She was starting to grow on me.

Thanks for reading! And see you tomorrow when we get to watch a whole segment *sigh* on Keira.

Posted in The Bachelor Australia.

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