How is it possible that a show where Keira is given her own dedicated time could actually be less annoying than the other episodes so far? Don’t get me wrong, there was still enough drama – and a particular moment when she over-reacted to one of her fellow Bachelorettes, but overall it was actually a fairly tame hour. Maybe I’m just becoming desensitised to her.
Let’s dive right in, shall we?
The women are lounging around by the pool in a half-indoor, half-outdoor entertaining area and contemplating camping in the yard.
But before they can drag their mattresses into the garden, OAG appears in another blue button-up shirt. This one has checks on the left side and nothing on the right, and confuses me so much that I hardly pay attention to what he says.
He teases the girls with lots of James Bond references, only none of them seem to understand what he’s getting at.
Keira starts hyperventilating. She NEEDS a single date.
This date is for your eyes only.
And the lucky recipient is… Faith.
There are cheers and hugs, and Keira *gasp* doesn’t say anything. An intern must have slipped her a Valium or something.
Faith arrives at a dock the next morning at sunrise. She tells us she doesn’t understand what the clues about today’s date mean, which really makes me hope she’s not talking in the literal sense.
Then we see Richie zooming along the harbour in a speedboat wearing a tux and fancy glasses. He looks delicious.
He ties the boat up at the dock to allow Faith to climb in with him, and then they drive off again.
“Is this a yacht?” Faith asks.
Richie laughs, although not unkindly. “No, this baby is a little speedboat.”
He then explains how he uses a phrase to remember the difference between portside and starboard.
“Port is on the left, because there’s no port left in the bottle.”
“How do you remember the other one?” Faith asks.
*Me smacking forehead*
Richie says today is all about exploring a deeper side to his relationship with Faith. And if by deeper, he means being shoved to the bottom of a pool repeatedly so that he almost drowns, he pretty much achieves that objective.
The pair arrive at a gorgeous tropical waterfront property. A bartender awaits, ready to make them rose martinis using his fancy juggling skills.
“Oh, so this is what the date clues meant,” Faith says belatedly.
Back at the mansion, Nikki has the next invite.
Let’s Get Up Close & Personal.
Eliza, Georgia, Noni, Sophie, Rachael, Olena and Keira are invited on this date. Rachael seems caught off guard to hear her name, and Keira fake cheers for herself. Everyone starts calling her the group date groupie. I’m sure she loves that.
“I hope it’s not anything too active,” she tells us.
Back on the date, Faith shoves Richie into the obviously freezing cold swimming pool. He retaliates by jumping out and dragging her back in with him.
Cue some playful pool basketball, where Faith only wins because she jumps on Richie’s back and pushes his head under the water half a dozen times.
“Faith went bananas!” Richie laughs afterwards. (And this is the closest we’ve come to an actual “cool bananas” the whole season. I can’t believe it!)
They then recline on a sun-lounger with another alcoholic beverage and talk about their previous long-term relationships. Richie had a three and a half year one. Faith had a four, then five year one, but she’s been single for eighteen months.
She tells Richie that she’s looking for someone respectful and caring. Wait, what? Since when did Bachelor contestants actually say sensible qualities that they’re looking for in a partner?
They make out, but we don’t see whether Faith gets a rose.
A couple of hours later, Faith is back at the house and all the women are standing in the kitchen, ready to pull Faith apart like a newborn lamb thrown to a pride of lions. She shows them the rose, and there’s much oohing and aahing.
“Did you get the rose before after the kiss?” one of the girls asks.
Faith laughs. “After the swim!” she says, not admitting to the pash. “I don’t kiss and tell.”
Nikki thinks Faith is as good at keeping secrets as she is.
The next day, the group date girls meet at a place called Curzon Hall. It looks like a castle. Inside, a couple called Stefano and Sky are ballroom dancing.
Noni offers us this gem: “I twerk. I don’t do ballroom dancing.”
Such a classy one, that Noni.
The girls are advised that there will be a dance-off later, and the one who Richie deems the best will get to be Cinderella at a private ball later. (I think Janey is throwing her shoe at the TV about now.)
Keira snags Richie as her practice partner. The other girls have to pair up with each other. Keira can’t just enjoy herself, and whinges about her sore arm, presumably from the roller derby on the last group date.
Rachael and Olena look incredibly awkward together. Kiki trips over her own feet, and Keira maintains her usual blank expression, despite getting the prime spot on Richie’s arm.
The girls all then line up like in some period drama, ready to dance with Richie. It was about as exciting as watching paint dry.
Keira went on and on about how everyone was crap and that she had no competition. I personally think Georgia should have won for managing to look elegant while wearing a pair of denim shorts with her butt cheeks practically on display.
Richie wants the girls to dance out of their comfort zone, but no one does except for Keira – who manages to turn her ballroom dance into a borderline striptease.
And it’s because of this that Richie awards her the coveted title of Belle of the Ball.
“So now I guess I don’t get a proper single date,” she whines.
*sigh* There’s just no pleasing that woman.
Richie dresses in a dapper suit, and Keira dresses in a big poufy gown. She’s still wearing that damn choker! Rachael tells the camera she thinks Keira looks more like the Wicked Witch than Cinderella. Ooh. Harsh.
The remaining girls head back to the mansion, while Keira and Richie go for a ride on a horse-drawn carriage.
“This is so romantic,” Keira says tonelessly.
But then I don’t really blame the lack of enthusiasm when you see what really happens on the Bachelor.
Richie says he’d like to get to know Keira better because all he knows so far is her attitude (I’m paraphrasing).
At the mansion, the seven girls who were left behind are enjoying the peace and quiet. The group date girls arrive and pretend that Keira was sent home. The disappointment was evident on everyone’s faces when they found out it wasn’t true.
They talk about how frustrating it is when people are ungrateful, and how Keira does have a sweet side, but also a very angry and passive aggressive side.
Richie and Keira arrive in a garden that looks suspiciously like the front yard of the Bachelor mansion. They walk through an archway of roses to a small platform in front of an orchestra and recreate their ballroom dance from earlier.
There was zero chemistry between them, and Keira looked quite uncomfortable.
On returning to the mansion, the women all have bets on whether Keira has a rose.
Apparently she does!
Of course we have to watch a quick clip of Keira saying how happy she is and that NOTHING can change the way she feels.
Eliza decides this is the perfect moment to call out Keira on her comment about not getting a “proper” single date. Keira denies it all and goes nuts at Eliza. “You’ve offended me,” she says after several minutes of name calling and denials. She then storms off to her bedroom.
It’s time for the cocktail party and the women all look gorgeous. Keira is still brooding about Eliza. “She’s cut,” she tells everyone.
The rest of the evening’s highlights involve Alex contemplating whether to use the white rose, but being shut down by Rachael, who tells her she can’t approach Richie until she has. And of course after she does, there’s no time left for Alex.
Eliza tries to bury the hatchet with Keira, but Keira doesn’t want to talk about their feud during a pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. However, she does offer a stiff “thank you for apologising in front of everyone” in response to Eliza’s efforts.
“I was coming from a good place,” Eliza tells us.
Honey, I’m not so sure bring up Keira’s ungratefulness after her date is really that noble, no matter how frustrating she is.
And in a weird turn of events, Keira says she doesn’t even care if Alex uses her white rose. But this is possibly because she’s already safe.
Apart from her and Faith, there are twelve other women and ten more roses. They go to:
Richie teases her with a line the producers told him to say: “Where was that white rose tonight, huh?” Alex embraces Richie like her life depends on it, while a single tear rolls down her face. It was very emotional.
Marja and Sophie are sent home, which is unsurprising seeing they collectively said a whole ten words the entire four episodes.
Sophie tells Richie to look after Nikki and leaves with class. Marja is equally cool.
Next week looks set to get interesting, when Alex gets a single date (I can only imagine Keira’s feelings on that) and there’s a group date / challenge involving those annoying dolls that religious groups in America give to teenagers to look after for a week in order to scare them off having sex. I can totally see how this would be the best way for Richie to get romantic with the women.
See you next week!