After watching an epic two hour marathon of the US Bachelor each week, I forget how quickly we zip through two one hour episodes here in Oz. There are actually four more episodes per season here, (six if you count the fact that we don’t really have a Women Tell All or an After the Final Rose special here), but because they’re so short and there are two each week, the overall season feels shorter.
I think that’s a good thing.
We still have eleven ladies left. Keira is back to her usual wacky self. She is wondering why she hasn’t had a single date yet (the Cinderella one doesn’t count, apparently) and speculates that she’s just being kept around because she looks good.
Keira is super humble.
OAG arrives to explain that Richie does in fact provide some input into how each date will be organised, and the next single one will be something adventurous for someone who claims to be a bit of a thrillseeker.
And then he mixes it up by producing a second card before skedaddling. Although not before dropping the cheesy line ‘Why have one when two is more fun?’
Let’s Rise & Fall
This clue is in reference to the single date, which goes to… Kiki!
The second card is for a date that will be begin in fifteen minutes. I assume they read them in this order, because every other woman got invited on this one.
Let The Games Begin
As we know, Keira is not into sports. ‘This is not my ideal of fun,’ she moans. At least that’s what it sounded like. She doesn’t want to have to compete against the women, and would actually rather just get to know Richie. Which is fair enough, but that’s not how this show works.
The women head over to a hockey centre, where three podiums are set up. OAG announces that today is the Inaugural Bachelor Games, whatever that means.
It’s every woman for herself, and the winner will get some one-on-one time with Richie.
I think I heard the German word for ‘shit’ shouted out by one of the women.
Richie jogs into the centre holding a fake Olympic torch, where he then stops to light a… bigger torch? What do you call that thing again? Cauldron? It clearly shows how little of the Olympics I have watched this year (i.e. none – and for the record, since when was Olympic news all about poking fun at peoples’ teeth and the behind the scenes drama? What happened to actually reporting on the sporting achievements of these people?).
Today’s first event is archery, where the women have to shoot at a heart-shaped target. Insert cheesy analogy about Cupid here.
Faith gets a bullseye first try (although Keira reckons it was on the line). Nikki, Megan and Keira do OK, but the others kind of suck.
The next event is sprinting… in a zorb ball.
I think Faith should win, purely for this line: It definitely made my day seeing those big balls.
It’s all a bit confusing for the next few minutes. The girls race in groups of two but it wasn’t clear who won. At one point, Faith sent Keira flying when Keira didn’t step out of the way quick enough. Everyone found that hilarious. Even Keira didn’t seem particularly upset.
It’s then announced that Faith, Keira, Nikki and Megan are the finalists. They must work out the official winner by competing in one final event: wrestling… in a kangaroo suit.
Keira is super annoyed. She wrestles Megan and wins. The whole thing is definitely what you’d call a hot mess.
Keira then decides it’s not too bad, because if she wins overall, she’ll get some one-on-one time with Richie.
‘It’s probably the only date I’m going to get anyway,’ she shouts within hearing distance of Richie.
Faith and Nikki are up. They hop out of the change-room, grinning from ear to ear. Faith knocks Nikki down, meaning that she has to battle Keira for the gold.
For some reason, Keira didn’t realise this was a possibility and has a bit of a tantrum. She reluctantly changes back into the kangaroo suit and clomps back out miserably. Faith, on the other hand, bounds back out looking as happy as can be.
The battle isn’t long, but we don’t find out who actually won until at least thirty seconds afterwards, when someone comments on Faith doing a good job.
Oh yay! Faith gets some more one-on-one time with Richie!
There’s a quick anti-climactic award ceremony, where Megan gets third, Keira gets silver, and Faith gets gold.
Everybody goes home, leaving Richie and Faith to hang out on the hockey field at a hastily put together “romantic” outdoor setting.
They sit on the couch, and Faith asks Richie why he chose the baby date in the last episode. He says something about wanting kids one day and that it was a chance to find out where the other women stood on the issue. I half expected Faith to ask what would happen if one of the women didn’t want kids, but instead she walked the well-trodden Bachelor path of saying that she only wanted to get married once, and never wanted to divorce. Because of course all couples get married with the intention of divorcing later.
Richie agrees – yep, he only wants to get married once. Then he gives her the rose and lurches in for a “spontaneous” make-out session.
The next day, Kiki gets ready for her date. She tells us she’s been single for five months and normally goes for bad boys. She’s hoping to end up with Richie because he’s different in a good way.
She waits at a helipad while a fancy chopper is unloaded from a nearby shed. Richie arrives and explains that today they’ll be doing military manoeuvres. The helicopter doesn’t have any doors, so they strap themselves in, don their helmets and take off into the air.
They fly over the city, tilting precariously at an almost ninety degree angle. Richie admits to feeling a little anxious, but Kiki takes it all in her stride. She even gives Richie a guided tour, explaining that Point Piper below them has some of the most expensive real estate in Sydney.
Back at the mansion, Keira, Rachael and Georgia are sitting in the garden and discussing whether they think Kiki will get a rose. They all agree that it’s questionable, because apparently all three of them are way better than her.
I had to check to make sure I hadn’t accidentally switched over to a screening of Mean Girls. Come on ladies, a little class, hey?
The sun goes down, and we see some picturesque footage of a chandelier reflected in water. A dinner has been set up at some random location on a platform in a pond.
Kiki admits that physical danger is easier for her than emotional danger. She then questions Richie over why he has chosen such a direct path to find a girlfriend – i.e. via The Bachelor franchise.
He reminds her that he works on an oil rig, so he doesn’t get much of a chance to date out there. He then says a few things that make me wonder whether he’s about to send Kiki home.
‘I’m wondering if with Kiki, it’s a slow burn,’ he tells us.
I think this line is a deliberate producer ploy to put us off the scent, because we don’t see whether she gets a rose.
The women are all at home, getting ready for bed and speculating on what has become of Kiki. They are all also drinking Fiji Water, and I wonder if that’s another sneaky promo.
And then she arrives. With a rose! Yay for the slow burn!
Keira, as usual, is not happy that someone other than her received a rose. The remaining women pretend to be excited.
‘When did he whip it out?’ they ask. (I assume they mean the rose and not something else.)
Kiki is all giddy, but explains that she didn’t kiss Richie. The other women automatically think this means Kiki is in the friend zone.
It’s time for the cocktail party again! Keira is rocking a red jumpsuit with a huge cleavage-baring slit down the front. All the women compliment her sexy appearance.
‘What? I look this good all the time,’ she tells us.
Georgia has gone one better and is wearing a black gown with a slit down to her belly-button. I’ve never seen anyone sit down in one of those dresses, but it looked uncomfortable (and must have involved a bucket-load of cosmetic tape).
Alex is super angsty tonight. This might be because Georgia points out that a man should occasionally come to you.
‘You’ve been doing all the work,’ she tells Alex, full of fake sympathy.
Alex thinks about it and agrees. ‘I’m not going to use the white rose tonight. I want him to come to me.’
Richie then appears and asks to hang out with… Keira.
This almost sends Alex over the edge.
Richie and Keira sit in full view of at least four of the other women while Richie grills her about her obvious distaste for wrestling in a kangaroo suit. (Although seriously, can you blame her?)
She laughs it off, saying she had a lot of fun (fibber!) and says something like ‘What do you care? You don’t even think about me.’
‘I think about you more than you think,’ he says seriously.
‘Really?’ Keira seems genuinely surprised. She yanks him in towards her cleavage and says something about wanting to go in for a kiss. Richie laughs nervously.
‘I feel like I’m going to vomit in my mouth,’ Kiki says to the other girls.
Richie suggests they re-enact their dance from the Cinderella date, and Keira LOVES it.
You know who doesn’t love it? All the women watching.
‘He deserves so much more than that,’ Alex says.
Keira laughs awkwardly as she and Richie twirl each other around the garden.
‘You smell good, but I can make you smell better,’ Keira tells him. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
When she returns to the group, the girls are pretty nasty.
Keira tells them that Richie said they have the same personalities.
‘Oh Jesus,’ someone says.
Georgia cracks up. ‘Who said that?’ she laughs.
‘I feel like we have a massive connection,’ Keira presses on, rubbing it in. She’s obviously trying to psyche everyone out.
Richie then asks to see Nikki, and this definitely sends Alex over the edge.
‘He hasn’t approached me. It’s confusing. It’s scary. I just wanted him to come to me,’ she says, bursting into tears.
Cue an ad break, and we’re at the rose ceremony. So it looks like Richie didn’t approach her after all. Oh dear.
Faith and Kiki look like twins, wearing matching black dresses, red lipstick, and with gorgeous flowing waves styled into their hair.
Tonight, one woman will be going home.
Roses go to:
- Alex (we know it’s getting serious because Richie mumbles a ‘shit’ and the background music turns to this creepy robotic tone)
- Megan (then there’s another ‘shit’, because we’re at the last rose…)
Poor Russian Sasha is sent home. She is philosophical about her exit. ‘I am sad, but fair enough. I am always prepared for love,’ she tells us from her exit limo.
Next week, Rachael gets her first date, and we also see the return of that annoying Aussie Bachelor feature where they bring in three intruders mid-season. This obviously sends everyone into melt-down mode, and someone even uses the line ‘go away, peasant,’ from inside a bathroom. My money’s on it being Keira.
So there you have it. Another week of Bachelor madness over. Are you loving this season? From the current state of things, I’m putting Nikki as the winner, Megan as runner-up and Alex as third. But we have five more weeks until we find out.
See you next week!