I think I felt exactly like the cabin-feverish bachelorettes did last night – bored and irritated. At one point, I was tempted to pull a Megan (more on that later) but I persevered.
I even had to ban myself from live tweeting, because after three snarky tweets in a row, I realised I probably didn’t need to add to the already negative atmosphere that is 95% of Twitter.
But… I did promise myself that I’d be nice in this blog, so here we go!
The show opens with some bad puns describing last week’s novelty sports date, using phrases like ‘hopping mad’ and ‘bouncing back’ to describe Keira in her kangaroo suit.
It’s evening, and the women are all sitting in the living room. For a minute, I thought they were on set in a studio, because one wall was completely open to the outside, and I was thinking how lazy the cameraman was to let us see the edges. And then I realised it was just one of those fancy houses that have half indoor / half outdoor living.
The women are talking about how crazy it is that there’s only ten of them left (foreshadowing!). Alex feels like Nikki has had way more time with Richie than she has, and she’s freaking out.
OAG arrives and says something about more surprises and keeping the ladies on their toes. And then… he just leaves one date card. Ooh. So unusual.
All the girls on the middle couch seemed to have co-ordinated their outfits and are all wearing slightly different variations of the horizontal striped t-shirt.
Noni says she will be cranky if Richie starts moving on to second dates before she’s even had one. Keira seems to think she deserves this week’s invite.
And… it’s Rachael.
Love is on the horizon.
I want to be happy for her, I really do. But after watching six episodes of her being nasty to everyone, I just can’t get excited about watching half an episode of her flirting with Richie.
Keira decides that because she’s spent a lot of time with Richie on group dates, he must be planning on leaving her until later for a one-on-one.
The next day, Rachael heads out into the harbour on a little speedboat. It turns out she’s been single for ten years! She tells us she feels a little insecure around the other women and hopes her personality shines through today.
A pirate ship looms ahead, and Richie is standing at the bow. Rachael is super excited and says this date has something for the both of them: ropes for Richie (because that’s his job) and boats for her (because she loves boats).
Richie compliments Rachael’s eyes, and they sail off together.
Rachael tells Richie that she once came to Sydney for a holiday and stayed for six months. He thinks that’s awesome and brave. And then he seems to notice that his hands are blue.
‘Surprise, I’m a smurf!’ he laughs. They speculate on how this could possibly have happened. ‘Maybe’s it’s from your jeans?’ he suggests.
‘You haven’t touched me that much,’ she shoots back.
They talk about being adventure-seekers and decide to climb up the rickety rope ladder to the crows nest.
Back at the mansion, Noni and Georgia are complaining about the whole ‘not knowing where they stand’ thing. Alex thinks Georgia and Richie have friend zoned each other. Even Megan is starting to get annoyed, because it’s been a month since her date with Richie and she feels like every time he goes out with someone else or gives them a rose, it takes away from their connection.
Back on the date, some lively Pirates of the Caribbean music is playing in the background, and Rachael is starting to realise how high up the rope ladder goes.
Richie looks out to the city and says something about the view not being too bad. Rachael automatically assumes he’s talking about her butt. Richie laughs it off, and no one is actually sure what he meant.
Rachael reaches the top, but is now hyperventilating.
Richie says a bunch of reassuring things about letting Rachael use him to steady herself. He then forces her to re-enact the Titanic king of the world moment. Wait, haven’t they already done that this season?
And… back at the mansion again, Kiki has another card. She gathers everyone around and announces that there will be a garden party the following day. Everyone is invited.
Kiki makes a comment about ten women being a good ratio to one Richie (only in Bachelor World would that be an acceptable ratio) and Alex says she thinks there will be a twist with the next date.
Keira calls her a Negative Nancy. ‘Why does there have to be a twist?’ she pouts.
Jeez, Bachelor team. You’re really bashing us over the head with the foreshadowing tonight.
On the date that never ends, Rachael and Richie take turns at the ship’s wheel before deciding to dive off the side.
‘It wouldn’t be a real pirate date without testing the waters,’ Richie says.
Yes, because pirates are well known for their love of swimming in the ocean.
Rachael tells us she’s done a bit of diving in the past and leaps of the side of the ship backwards into the water. Richie can’t be outdone, so he does the same.
Rachael attempts to flirt with Richie by jumping on his back in the water – despite him not being able to stand up. She then splashes him, but Richie thinks she’s just trying to drown him.
Rachael admits she’s no good at dating.
Richie tells us he’s trying to be smooth, and wraps Rachael up in his towel so he has an excuse to physically touch her.
He then makes a comment about going downstairs to warm up. Ooh, Richie, you cad, you.
Sitting at a table downstairs is a guy called Dre who has half a dozen bottles of rum for the lucky couple to try.
Oh. That’s what you meant. Getting warm by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
Wait. Did they not know Dre was just hanging out down there the whole time? That’s a bit awkward.
Dre tells them to breathe through their nose with their mouth open while they smell the rum. Richie and Rachael find this a bit weird and difficult to do.
After the first taste, Richie tells us he feels like he’s been smacked across the face with a salmon.
Cue a few more awkward minutes of shooting rum and Richie and Rachael laughing as they get increasingly smashed.
Upstairs afterwards, Richie makes small talk. I kind of tuned out. He says something about liking Rachael and wanting to kiss her earlier. Rachael just keeps staring at Richie’s mouth.
Eventually he gives her a rose and they make out.
I felt weird.
The next day, it’s time for the garden party. The ladies are all dressed up in cute outfits, complete with head jewellery. Kiki’s dress is quite revealing, showing a LOT of side-boob. She rocked it, though.
Keira marvels at how polite and classy everyone is so far, and wonders how long it will last. She then does a toast, saying how she likes everyone individually.
But what’s this? Richie is dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, and is away somewhere in the bush. He meets up with OAG, who asks him how tough the last rose ceremony was.
‘It was really tough,’ he confirms. And then he says the usual stuff about making hard decisions, blah, blah, blah…
OAG seems to then take great delight in telling Richie that it’s about to get harder, because three new women are on their way.
Richie laughs in disbelief. ‘I’m not speechless, because I’m still talking,’ he says. ‘But…’
OAG says Richie will spend the day getting to know the new arrivals. ‘And they are up for ANYTHING!’ he says gleefully.
Jeez, Osh. Can you take it down a notch? You’re not making yourself sound good.
The first girl rides down a muddy hill and through a puddle on a quad bike.
The first thing she says to Richie?
‘I’m a little bit wet.’
Oh. My. God.
Her name is Steph and she’s blonde and a model.
The next girl shows up in a fluoro motorcycle suit on a dirt bike. She rides down the same hill and through the puddle before hopping off and asking Richie for a cuddle. Her name is Sarah and she has a cute squeaky voice. She’s a sales rep for the motorcycle industry.
Richie is pretty excited. ‘I’m definitely open… to the thought that one of these girls could be my future partner,’ he tells us.
Last up is Khalia, who is riding a horse called Biscuit. Khalia has eyes where the coloured bit takes up nearly her whole eyeball, and hair down to her butt. She is VERY pretty. She is also a human rights law student.
Richie finds a matching horse and the two go off together for a ride. Richie tells her about his pet dog, and Khalia tells him she lives near him in WA.
They then stop for a picnic in the bush.
And back at the garden party, the women are annoyed that it’s late and Richie hasn’t shown up. Alex is confused. She bonds with Megan over bocce.
Richie leaves Khalia and joins Sarah on a dirt bike. He is excited that a woman likes riding as much as he does. They stop to rest at another picnic, this one on a couch made out of a car-seat.
She tells Richie she’s had two past boyfriends that hurt her, and she’s waiting for a nice one. She is almost weirded out by how polite Richie is.
And last up is a third picnic with Steph, preceded by a short quad bike race. They sit on floor cushions on the ground under a small awning decked out with jar lanterns.
Steph says she’s been single for three or four years following a seven year relationship. She has recently deferred uni, where she was studying biomedical science.
Richie is super impressed.
‘I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty handy,’ he tells her.
Steph thinks that is hilarious. ‘That’s like a dad joke,’ she giggles.
It starts to rain and the three women jump in a waiting helicopter to be flown to the mansion.
You know what happens next.
I’m not going to recount every bitchy comment and freak-out because you can imagine it for yourself.
OAG arrives and tells everyone that Richie will arrive soon, but he wants to give them a chance to get to know each other first. Oh, and there will still be a rose ceremony tonight.
The girls think Rachael must be happy she has a rose, but Rachael is comparing herself to Khalia (because for some reason everyone has decided they are twins) and she doesn’t think she stands a chance.
Richie arrives, and Sarah tells him she owes him a drink from earlier.
Alex’s face transforms to something that practically shouts ‘oh no, you don’t’ –before she storms off to get her magic white rose so she can ensure some one-on-one time with Richie.
Kiki decides to tell Steph that everyone hates Keira in front of Georgia. So Georgia thinks it’s a good idea to tell Keira this.
Cue Keira storming off, Kiki trying to smooth things over, and Keira calling her a peasant.
Faith and Steph are sitting together, gobsmacked by all the drama and silently laughing.
Kiki says she feels sorry for the newbies. ‘They’ve seen what it’s like when Satan rises from hell,’ she tells us.
It’s time for the ceremony. Finally! Can this madness just be over, please?
Rachael is safe, and there are twelve other women, but only eleven roses.
They go to:
Hang on! What’s this? Megan is turning down the rose? Nooo! She asks to talk to Richie outside. Poor Richie is completely blindsided. Megan tells him she could have fallen in love with him, but can’t handle the environment. Richie doesn’t know what to say, but it’s obvious from his reaction that she could have been one of the top three, if not the winner. Alex cries and Richie tries to gather his composure. ‘What just happened?’ he asks himself.
Back in the ceremony, I just assumed everyone would get a rose now, so I stopped writing down who was receiving them, but apparently that wasn’t the case.
It’s down to Khalia and Georgia, and Richie offers the final rose to…
So the most exciting moments of the entire show happened with a minute of each other in the last five minutes.
Georgia storms out. In the limo, she lefts off f-bombs left and right. ‘That’s like the shittiest way to go out,’ she tells us. ‘Richie choosing women he doesn’t even know over me. They all look like ******* skanks.’
OK then. I’m not sure anyone was feeling particularly sorry for Georgia right then.
Next week, there are two more single dates, one for Olena and one for Keira (Lord help us). I wonder if that means Noni will have a melt-down because that will be Olena’s second one-on-one.
We’ll have to wait and see!
See you next week!