bachetteozs01e03

Tangos & Topless Shoots

OK, quiet guys. Sasha needs to say something. Apparently he found the previous evening’s cocktail party embarrassing thanks to David’s weirdness. He tells the guys that they don’t need the Bro-Code anymore, but they should all just respect each other like decent human beings. Everyone agrees. They toast with cups of tea.

I kind of feel like I’m watching a completely different show to the rest of the franchise – and I like it. Producers take note! You don’t need to set up a situation that ends up with the Bachelorette being slut shamed in front of millions of people to make entertaining TV.

Osher arrives, wearing a cardy from the same range as Alex’s from last episode.

‘After Dave’s date last week, has it changed how you feel about single dates?’ he asks cheekily.

‘Yeah, we all want one,’ one of the guys laughingly replies. Hang on. I’d kind of hope they’d want one anyway, and not have to be bribed with a meet and greet featuring a famous cricket player.

Osher drops off the first invite of the week – Let’s start off on the right foot.

Sasha-licious (the guys’ endearing name for our early frontrunner) is the lucky recipient of this date.

Sasha is surprised that Michael wasn’t picked for whatever reason.

Davey is sitting on the couch with his arm around Sasha, happy for his new buddy, but a bit jealous. He’s like a slightly less annoying male version of Sandra. ‘I need Sam to see more of me so I can prove I’m not a ladies man,’ he says over and over like a broken record.

Dave is feeling territorial seeing as he got the single date last week.

‘I hope Sasha breaks his leg,’ he tells us. And then laughs.

Sasha and Sam meet up at the bottom of a stairway in what looks like an enchanted forest. Sam can barely spit out her words.

‘God, you make me so nervous,’ she giggles. ‘I can’t handle you.’

Sam is decked out in gym gear, and Sasha is wearing faded jeans with a denim shirt.

Sam finally manages to relay that they’ll be going to a dance lesson. They enter a studio, where a pair of professional Argentine tango dancers show them how it’s done.

Will (not to be confused with Nutty Professor Will) and Amy tell the pair how dancing is all about passion, trust and intimacy… just like in a relationship. They also tell them there will be lots of physical contact.

‘I picked Sasha for this date for a reason,’ Sam confirms.

Sasha is ordered to remove his denim shirt. Handily, he has a black singlet on underneath. Sam can barely contain herself when she is instructed to stand behind Sasha and rub her hands all over his chest.

In fact, she is so smitten that she completely zones out when asked to move and just continues to stand in one spot, glued to Sasha.

Sasha cannot understand why she’s so nervous, but he LOVES it. He holds her in a dip position for about twenty seconds while Sam visibly hyperventilates due to their close proximity.

Back at the mansion, Nutty Professor Will finds the next date card. And oh my God! What is he wearing? Let me give you a visual:

playschool

This is a Play School episode from the 80’s. Will is wearing Benita’s outfit and John’s headband but pushed back on top of his head, teenage girl style.

And just in case you think I’m exaggerating, here’s actual proof:

will

Will reads out the next invite – On this date, I want you to take the lead.

The invitees are Kieran, Richie, Michael, Dave, Will, Tony, Kayne… and….

Ad break?

We wait a whole five minutes to find out that Davey is the last name on the card.

Back on the date, Sam is still flustered. She sits down to dinner with Sasha and he asks why she picked him for the date today.

‘I can hardly look at you, so I wanted to get past that and actually have a proper conversation,’ she explains.

Sasha talks about how he owes almost everything to his awesome stepdad. Sam can relate because she has an awesome stepdad too! The fact that their lives have unfolded in an almost identical fashion means Sam is even more besotted.

Sasha tells us he didn’t expect to already be falling for Sam. Wow. Should we just end the show right now?

They then change into proper tango clothes and perform the dance for no one (unless you count us and the camera crew). It’s awkward, but cute. Sasha does not take advantage of the dip at the end to kiss Sam. I think everyone involved was disappointed.

They follow this up with drinks so that Sam can check Sasha is on the same page as her. He assures he is and she gives him a rose. She accidentally on purpose takes her time to pin the rose on his shirt – either to feel more of his bare chest or to give him the opportunity to kiss her.

In the end, Sam kisses him on the cheek. Total letdown!

The next day, the group date guys meet up at the Sydney Polo Club… well, a barn out the back of the Sydney Polo Club anyway. Osher and Sam are waiting to explain that they’ll be participating in a photo shoot to bring awareness to shelter puppies. And because it’s for a good course, they have to do this topless.

Kayne and Richie are excited. Will, not so much. Will tells us he has actually attended several photo shoots in his time as a musician, but none without his shirt.

To make things even more fun, Sam has picked out a dog that reminds her of each of the guys. She also tells Osher that she should get a good idea what kind of dad each guy will be based on their interactions with their dog.

To prepare, the boys gather inside the barn and do a few flexes to prime their muscles. Tony is apparently the buffest. And where was Will hiding those abs? But then you know what they say about the quiet ones…

They all then head out to collect their dogs and line up to pose.

I am terrible with dog breed names, so I’ll only be quoting the ones I actually heard mentioned and then describe the others for you to work out yourselves.

Richie gets a cute little brown dog with floppy ears called Rex. Rex lifts his leg on a nearby hay bale, which, unfortunately, happens to be the exact location Richie is instructed to lie. He takes it all in good fun and poses right in the wee.

Dave is up next, pulling his best Zoolander pose. He gets a big salt and pepper coloured dog with sad eyes. They rock their pose together.

Kieran gets two little Pomeranians that he holds like footballs under each arm.

Michael gets a wolf-like breed and acts like he works as a part-time model.

Tony goes all out and kisses his little white fluffy dog, charming it so much that it actually falls asleep in his arms.

Kayne gets what I’m wanting to call some sort of bull terrier. It is very active and can’t stop jumping all over him.

Will gets a white dog with bigger hair than him. ‘I like to refer to him as a cloud with a face,’ he tells us. He then poses in what he calls ‘Australian gothic’ style. It was actually a bit hot.

Last up is Davey with his stocky black and brown dog. Davey reclines in a bathtub while his dog looks off bored into the distance. It was a bit awkward.

The guys reconvene in the barn afterwards and Sam tells Michael that he was the one she was most impressed by. Michael says that spending time with her is the perfect reward. They leave the guys to go and sit in a fancy lodge lounge type room.

Michael launches into his plea to stick around for at least a few more weeks. ‘I definitely want to be here and I feel like you have lots to offer.’

‘I appreciate you being so open,’ Sam tells him. ‘I try to have these types of conversations with the other guys and I don’t get anywhere.’

Can I just ask, who is she talking about and have we seen any of these conversations?

They share the world’s quickest lip kiss and head back to the mansion. Just in time for the cocktail party!

Sam quickly slips into a white gown and does her up like the chick in I Dream of Jeannie.

Kayne is freaking out that he’s going home because he hasn’t made enough of an impression, but he has a little trick up his sleeve. Richie is excited to find out what it is, but Kayne won’t tell anyone yet.

Davey admits that he should have used his time on the group date more wisely because he didn’t really talk to Sam.

‘That’s OK,’ she assures him. ‘Except you’re outta here.’

After a look of confusion from Davey, she laughs. ‘Just kidding!’

Sam and Dave go off for a little chat. Then Kayne takes over, shaking Dave’s hand to illustrate their mutual respect for each other.

After Sam sits down, Kayne takes a deep breath.

‘How do you feel about rap?’ he asks.

And then because they really must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for drama, we cut to another ad. Total cliffhanger!

It turns out Sam thinks rap is awesome, especially because Kayne wrote one for her.

His performance was a bit lame, but still cute. And he ended it with the surprising closing phrase ‘namaste’. Because that’s what Kayne is all about.

Sam pulls Drew aside next. She tells us that he brings out her nurturing side because he’s so sensitive. He’s worried he’s opened up too much. Sam is worried she’s going to hurt him if she keeps him around. Uh-oh.

To cleanse the awkwardness, she goes looking for Sasha, and it’s refreshing to not hear the guys all bitch about how he doesn’t deserve it because he already had the single date this week.

They sit on a couch together and don’t really say much at all. Sasha rambles about wanting more of Sam. Sam just sits there nodding, mouth closed, eyes basically screaming ‘just kiss me already!’.

After about ten minutes, he finally gets the hint. ‘I just want to kiss you,’ he says.

‘You should,’ she confirms.

They make out, come up for air and then make out again. I feel like Sasha has to be one of the final two.

It’s time for the rose ceremony! There are ten guys left without roses and nine to give out.

They go to:

  • Michael
  • Dave
  • Richie
  • Kieran
  • Alex
  • Will (who is looking more and more dishevelled as the days go on)
  • Kayne (Sam tells him that the rap sealed it for her)
  • Davey!
  • Tony

Poor Drew is sent home. Drew hugs everyone goodbye, accidentally poking Will in the eye in the process. Sam walks him out and lets him know she was worried he was too sensitive for the show. He’s cool with it and leaves philosophical.

Next episode, Alex gets to ride in a stunt plane with Sam, and there’s a group date featuring trampoline dodgeball. Woo-hoo!

Posted in The Bachelorette Australia.