The Bachelorette Season 12 Episode 1

… and we’re back!

Ah. It’s like stepping into a warm bubble bath with a glass of champagne. Another season of The Bachelorette has begun, and I’m settling into the now VERY familiar routine of watching one lucky lady’s journey to find love.

Of course we couldn’t start without rehashing JoJo’s almost win from Ben’s season. I still find it hilarious how after JoJo tells Ben she loves him, and he kind of mumbles ‘I love you too, JoJo’, she does a double-take and is all like ‘wait, what? Are you allowed to say that before the finale?’

Then there’s the usual ‘please don’t blindside me’ conversation – followed by the inevitable act of blindsiding.

(Just a quick question for Channel 9 – why did you cut the part in the last After the Final Rose where they announced JoJo as the next Bachelorette? That’s kind of important information!)

Anyhoo, JoJo has seemingly made a speedy recovery and is now lounging around the Westlake Village Inn – which it turns out is only a ten minute drive up the road from the Bachelor mansion.

(Fun fact: I just discovered that you too can rent out the Bachelor mansion if you have the cash and don’t mind using a pool where you just KNOW gross things have happened.)

JoJo sits on a wall and tells us how confused she was after Ben’s declaration of love, only to NOT be chosen as his future wife.

She continues this musing in a tiny blue bikini while strolling down the beach at sunset … and then while sitting on the rocks they used at the beginning of Grease … and then again in the Baywatch tower.

Before we get to the opening night action, JoJo heads to the mansion for afternoon tea with Kaitlyn, Desiree and Ali. They share a sacred bond thanks to their starring roles in various seasons of The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn looks different, although I can’t really put my finger on how.

JoJo asks them if they have any regrets from their time on the show. Kaitlyn starts laughing. I’m not sure she actually said the name ‘Nick’, but we all knew that’s what she was getting at.

The girls admit it’s hard to keep the lust in check long enough to find someone they are compatible with for an actual relationship. Ali said she was so dazzled by how hot Roberto was that she didn’t really think about how their lives would fit together after the show ended.

In the end, they recommend that JoJo should figure out who she really likes and then ignore them for the first week. OK then.

They make a toast. JoJo and Kaitlyn have wine. Des and Ali have water. Ali looks pregnant, but Des doesn’t – and because I don’t follow every single past contestant all the time, I did a quick Google search to see what the deal was. It turns out that yes, Des is pregnant too. Yay! I’m loving all these Bachelor babies! Maybe we can have a Bachelor in Paradise type show for all of them when they grow up. (Because you just know this show is going to last FOREVER!)

While JoJo prepares for her big night, we are introduced to a few of the Bachelors vying for her heart this season.

  • Grant the firefighter – he’s 28 and a bit of a hottie – but he makes kind of a lame joke about hoping JoJo lights his fire.
  • Next is Jordan, an ex football player. At the height of his career, he was so dedicated that his girlfriend at the time ditched him for not giving her enough attention.
  • Twenty-five year old Alex used to be in the marines. He has a twin brother who is also a marine.
  • James S is a Bachelor Superfan. He has an autographed picture of Chris Harrison on his bedside table.
  • Evan is an ex-pastor turned erectile dysfunction expert. He uses words like ‘excited’ and ‘draining’ so they sound dirty.
  • Ali is a very sweet, borderline nerd bartender who is originally from Iran. He is super cute.
  • Christian is a gym junkie telecommunications consultant whose dad was never around when he was growing up.
  • Luke is the small town country boy war veteran. He poses thoughtfully out the front of a red farm shed.
  • And then it looks like we have the bonus returning Bachelor from seasons past. Say it isn’t so, Jake Pavelka!

Finally, the big night is upon us! JoJo sparkles in a cleavage-baring bronze dress. She looks amazing. The first limo pulls up and we overhear the men talking about how they already picture JoJo as their wife. Steady on, guys!

It’s at this point I have a sudden flashback to the beginning of the first episode of unReel. The fairytale is spoilt for a minute, until I decide to compartmentalise my brain.

Notable standouts include:

  • Derek – only because he reminds me of Marcus (the one who may or may not still be with Lacy).
  • Robby – who brings a bottle of wine to drink without glasses. He also has a Harvey Specter vibe going on.
  • Will – who pretends to drop his speech cards on the wet driveway and then ‘accidentally’ messes up his intro.

It’s at this point, I notice that most of the guys are wearing very tight suits with ankles showing, and brown or red shoes. Is this a thing now?

  • Chad – who is very intense and gives off a weird vibe
  • As does Daniel, the token Canadian (whose job is also listed as ‘Canadian’)
  • James Taylor – the singer / songwriter who will probably have to change his name if he gets any more famous, seeing as they already have one of him in the music biz.
  • Jonathan – the half Chinese / half Scottish dude who arrives in a kilt and says the bottom half of him is Scottish and that he’s not wearing any panties. Yikes.
  • Saint Nick – complete with Santa Claus outfit. Who knew Father Christmas was only 33? He brings JoJo a gift and says ‘jo jo jo’ by way of greeting.

Daniel is weirded out by everyone at this point, so he starts slamming back the drinks.

  • Chase has a fake moustache.
  • Sal gives JoJo two blue balls and gives her permission to squeeze them if necessary.
  • Brandon is a hipster.
  • Nick S does the splits and looks like Chris Hemsworth.
  • Vinny has prepared a toast – with an actual piece of bread.
  • Wells is a radio DJ who brought along All 4 One to serenade JoJo. It pays to have connections, people!
  • Christian rocks up on a motorbike.
  • Luke shows up on a ‘unicorn’ (read: horse with a fake horn) called Coconut.

The cocktail party begins. One of the guys says something that sounds like ‘her breasts are extremely bright’ before he changes it to ‘dress’.

JoJo is overwhelmed by all the hotness.

Alex is the first guy to sneak her away and does push-ups while JoJo does squats on his back.

JoJo is worried that all the guys are so nervous, she won’t be able to make a connection with any of them. That is, until Jordan comes along. He gives her his jacket, gently rubs her back and basically has her sitting in his lap by the end of their alone time. She gives him a cheek kiss and then heads off for a boxing lesson with one of the other guys.

‘If anything pops out, let me know,’ she says.

Will then makes JoJo play a game with one of those origami paper toys that are supposed to tell your future. (I’m betting Will put the word ‘kiss’ behind every option.) JoJo is NOT impressed and awkwardly pecks him on the mouth.

Jordan then sweeps her away again and does it the right way. They make out on the driveway for the first official kiss of the season. I like him, but I worry that I may not as the weeks go on. Apparently JoJo got to feel Jordan’s butt, because later on she laments her own lack of glute definition after feeling his buns of steel.

The first rose is laid out on the coffee table in the living room. The guys get even more nervous. Chad doesn’t like that everyone is having feelings and expressing emotions.

All 4 One follow JoJo and Wells around during their alone time. Wells explains that this is what their life would be like if she picked him.

Chad gets a bit of time with JoJo and she comments on his softer side. Chad tells us that he’s basically a more manly and rugged version of Ben. He seems like a tool.

Daniel tries to explain some inside joke he’s been going on about all night that references an obscure viral video (viral in Daniel’s world, obscure in everyone else’s). JoJo is confused and obviously feels a bit awkward.

Things don’t get any better when it suddenly becomes evident that most of the guys are hammered. Daniel pokes Evan in the belly-button, who then wonders if it’s some sort of bizarre Canadian greeting. The other guys agree it’s not OK to touch someone else’s belly-button, and then they make fun of Daniel’s tie for being too short for American standards.

Daniel decides he wants to take his clothes off. JoJo questions the size of his underpants and tells him to get dressed. Instead of listening to her, he throws himself in the pool.

JoJo doesn’t like this new, out-of-control party energy, but Robby keeps her focused.

Then, when JoJo is supposed to be doing an interview with one of the producers, Nick S (the Chris Hemsworth look-alike) staggers in to give JoJo a drink. She can tell he is absolutely smashed and doesn’t know how to respond.

Vinny then comes in and makes a comment about how he won’t tell JoJo he loves someone else on a bathroom floor. I’m sure he meant it to sound reassuring, but instead, it came out kind of creepy.

Things get back on track when Ali plays a lovely rendition of Fur Elise for JoJo and then gives her a mini lesson. I love him.

We finally see Saint Nick without his beard, but I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out what he looks like in regular clothes and without the hat.

James Taylor is very sweet. He compliments JoJo and makes her blush.

At this point, JoJo decides it’s time to give out the first impression rose. And it goes to …

Jordan!

And then suddenly we’re at the rose ceremony. Wow! Is this Channel 9 editing or Bachelor editing?

Just as JoJo is about to start handing out roses, a limo pulls up and … Jake Pavelka gets out!

Great. Here we go. Apparently three seasons of this franchise aren’t enough for him. Please don’t tell me he’s going to ask for a crack at JoJo’s heart?

Oh! Will you look at that? This show has genuinely surprised me for once. It turns out Jake is an old family friend and JoJo sees him as a brother figure. Jake just wants to give JoJo a little pep talk.

Phew. I could NOT have handled another Nick situation.

Alright. Back to the roses! They go to:

  • Luke
  • Wells
  • James T
  • Grant
  • Derek
  • Christian
  • Chad
  • Chase
  • Alex
  • Robby
  • Brandon
  • James F
  • Ali
  • Saint Nick
  • Will
  • James S
  • Vinny
  • Evan

and

  • Daniel

Wait. What? How does the crazy Canadian get a rose? I can’t help but reminded of unReel again. Daniel has GOT to be a producer pick. Oh well. At least he’ll be entertaining.

The evicted guys stumble out into the sunlight. That cocktail party went for a looong time!

A quick preview of the coming season reveals deserts, yachts, islands, fireworks, biplanes, cliff jumping, wineries and the obligatory hot tub. So basically everything we know and love.

Several of the guys declare their love. Chad is the identified as the ‘bad boy’, and there is a very badly put together montage featuring threats, blood and crying.

Oh, and of course there’s the kissing. LOTS of kissing.

It’s so good to be back. Thanks for reading!

Posted in The Bachelorette US.