Meatheads and Zero Chance Flavour

Wow – JoJo is all about the kissing if tonight’s preview is anything to go by! Surely some of that must be from future episodes. Not that I think it’s a bad thing. Isn’t the best part of being the Bachelor or Bachelorette the fact you’re allowed to kiss as many people as you want and no one is allowed to get mad?

Along with all the making out, tonight we get to watch Chad being a tool and all the guys getting worked up about it.

Bring it on!

JoJo looks really pretty as she muses on the balcony of her rented apartment. She’s wearing a pink top that matches the pink flowers in the foreground. Great planning, producers!

Meanwhile, the boys are on their own balcony at the mansion and yelling out either JoJo or YOLO. I’m not exactly sure which.

James F. says he thinks all the guys are great. Of course, mere seconds later, Chad makes a sleazy toast.

Chad tells us he’s way above the other guys. His seduction technique appears to be about making women feel lucky to be around him, no matter how beautiful they are. He also thinks none of the other guys have ever dated someone of ‘JoJo’s standard’ before.

Chris Harrison arrives, looking as bright and chipper as always, ready to explain the rules of Week 2. There will be two group dates and one one-on-one. He drops the first date card on the coffee table before leaving the guys to discover their fate on their own.

Group Date 1: Luke, Grant, Wells, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Will and Robby

Let’s Heat Things Up!

Suddenly, there’s a loud explosion and all the guys run out to the driveway to see what’s happening. At first I assumed JoJo must have smashed her car into the side of the mansion or something, but instead we see a limo on fire. The producers have gone all out this season!

A fire truck screeches into the courtyard and JoJo jumps out, all dressed up in a sexy firefighter’s outfit. She un-tethers the fire hose and douses the limo’s flames in a very suggestive way. To be honest, it seemed a bit like the intro to a really bad porn film.

All the while, I was wondering what Grant must be thinking. After all, he’s the REAL firefighter.

The group date guys head off with JoJo, presumably to do something fire-related.

Chad tells us how he used to be a car salesman (ha!) and makes some analogy about how he would show people the crap vehicles before getting to the good ones. I’m guessing he thinks he’s the good one. *snort*

He then decides to do a little workout by loading stuff into his suitcase and strapping it around his waist with a weight belt. The guys all laugh at him as he does pull-ups on the patio awning.

The guys on the group date arrive at an official Fire Academy, where the instructor tells them JoJo needs to know who can look after her in an emergency. (Because of course, women are completely helpless in an emergency situation!)

I’m sure at this point, Grant was silently giggling in delight. Either that, or he was worried all his buddies back home would give him hell if he failed whatever challenge was about to be set.

JoJo makes a bad pun about it being the hottest date, and Daniel makes a really inappropriate pun about pulling a hose in his apartment. Ew.

The guys have to complete a bunch of challenges that I’m guessing real firefighters must do to prove they’re worthy of the job. These include dragging a fire hose over to a fire, chopping through a wall with an axe and various other things we didn’t get to see properly.

Wells struggles under the weight of his equipment and almost faints. The instructor makes him lie down, and JoJo hurries over to comfort him. Wells tells us he’s glad he ‘almost died’ because it meant he got more time with the Bachelorette. Ha. Okay then.

At the mansion, the other guys are all singing a song about JoJo that James T. wrote. It’s actually quite sweet, but Chad doesn’t want any part of it. Instead, he’s lying on the couch and rolling his eyes. He can’t handle all the male bonding.

Luke, Grant and Wells somehow get into the final heat (see what I did there?) of the firefighting competition. Wells clearly wishes he wasn’t picked, but rallies anyway. Their goal is to reach JoJo at the top of a ‘burning’ tower.

Wells falls behind right away, but it looks like Luke might actually beat Grant!

Psyche! Of course Grant wins. That’s his job!

Luke crashes back through a wall in defeat, looking like a cartoon character who forgets to use the door.

He’s still upset that evening when they all gather on a random rooftop balcony for a cocktail party. He can’t believe the real firefighter actually beat him.

Grant scores a whole five minutes of alone time with JoJo, where he says that if they end up together, he will tell her he loves her everyday, just in case he doesn’t come home.

Aw! That’s so sweet! And so sad!

JoJo is feeling it, and they make out. (Hey, wasn’t Ryan Sutter a firefighter too? Firefighters FTW!)

Another date card arrives at the mansion. This time it’s for… Derek! (Or Marcus, as I keep calling him in my head.)

Love is full of choices.

The cocktail party continues. Wells gets some alone time with JoJo so she can check he’s okay after almost dying earlier. They sit in front of one of those glass fireplace boxes (you know, the same ones they’ve been putting on the Aussie Bachelor for like, forever) and Wells shows JoJo a picture of him with his bloodhound called Carl. They seem to have a lot of fun together – and Wells is pretty cute too. I hope he stays around for a while.

JoJo does the rounds, talking to everyone to figure out who she’s going to give tonight’s rose to. We find out Evan has kids, and then Robby makes his move, scoring a kiss.

But it’s Wells who gets the rose! Yay!

The next day, Derek has to pack up all his stuff in case he doesn’t come home after his one-on-one date. JoJo picks him up in her rented convertible and tells him they have to make a few choices for their date today. The first choice is ‘sky’ or ‘sea’. They simultaneously say ‘sky’ and are taken to a nearby airport.

Two matching planes stand side by side, one with a pilot holding a sign that says ‘north’, and the other with one that says ‘south’. They choose north.

This takes them up to San Francisco, where they get to choose whether they go to Lombard Street, or the Golden Gate Bridge. They pick the bridge, but somehow end up on the other side of the harbour with a picnic, looking back at the bridge.

JoJo tells Derek she’s never been to San Francisco and then goes in for a kiss.

Meanwhile, the guys are still practicing their song for JoJo. Daniel and Chad are bonding over their shared loathing of the other guys in the house. Chad says he tells women to stay away from the nice guys because apparently they’re the secretly creepy ones. He then makes some weird metaphor about if you had a protein shake with all the guys from the house in it, they would have zero chance. Was he trying to say ‘zero chance’ was a flavour? I don’t get it.

The second group date card arrives!

Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex and Chad are the lucky guys heading out on this one.

Prove your love to me and the nation.

Some of the guys who didn’t get picked are a bit upset they don’t get to see JoJo properly this week. Chad doesn’t understand why they’re all so eager. ‘She’ll still be here next week, guys,’ he explains. Maybe he’s forgotten that some of them won’t be.

Derek and JoJo meet up again for dinner outside near a fountain. Derek never talks about his last relationship, except for now apparently, because JoJo is so open about how heartbroken she was after Ben dumped her.

He mumbles some vague story about his ex possibly cheating on him, and then JoJo gives him a rose and they kiss. I do like Derek, but I think I’m going to need more time before I warm to him properly.

It’s time for the final group date! The guys are all super excited to visit the ESPN building and watch a couple of presenters do a fake broadcast with JoJo as a guest host. They change the show’s name from Sports Nation to Bachelor Nation and make the guys do stupid challenges to prove their worthiness to JoJo.

The first challenge involves performing a post touchdown dance. They all act silly. It was kind of embarrassing to watch.

The second challenge is just as bad, with the guys having to spin around before approaching JoJo with a big fake ring while pretending to propose.

The guys are all good sports about it (see what I did there?), except for Chad who probably felt dumb and refused to ham it up. When JoJo asks him to list all the things he loves about her, he tells her she’s being a bit naggy. Ooh!

The last portion of the competition involves a fake press conference where the presenters ask the guys different questions. One of these is asking who should not be in the house. Everyone says Chad, and Chad says everyone else. He goes on to explain that he hardly knows JoJo yet, and while he knows she’s beautiful, he needs time to actually find out what it is he loves about her.

That made sense, but he’s still a tool.

The presenters come up with some random criteria to decide who gets to be their Top 3 power picks (or whatever it is they call them).

Number three is Alex – who seems moderately pleased. Number two is Chad(!) because they like his no-nonsense approach. But the winner is James T., who is completely stoked.

Chad calls out all the guys, saying they lied to JoJo because they don’t really know her yet. I don’t think Chad knows how to be a team player. I also don’t think he has a sense of humour. Well, not a nice one, anyway.

There’s another cocktail party and James T. gets the first one-on-one time with JoJo because he won the competition. He is sooo sweet and says things like ‘a smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside’.

He then reads out a poem he wrote for JoJo saying how he doesn’t deserve to be there with her. She pretty much melts into a big puddle and they share a really cute kiss. Aw.

Chad is still bitching about the other guys. He gets some time with JoJo and tries to reframe the whole situation so it makes him look good and everyone else bad.

He then brings out the big guns, talking about the puppy he inherited from his mum (who was his best friend) when she died six months ago.

They throw coins into a wishing well and make out.

Chad then tells us he’s actually starting to have feelings and is giddy about JoJo. This guy confuses me so much!

JoJo gets ready to hand out the evening’s rose. James T. says he will re-think his whole life if Chad gets it. Lucky for him, because JoJo thinks James T. was the player of the day. Yay!

We cut to ANOTHER cocktail party, this time with everyone present, in preparation for the rose ceremony. Chad pisses everyone off by meeting JoJo out the front with a drink as she steps out of the limo. He reminds me of an evil Tony Stark or something. Maybe it’s the Robert Downey Jr. voice.

It’s at this point, I notice Vinny has a slightly awkward haircut, which is made worse by the fact that he lists his profession as a barber!

The guys get all hot and bothered about Chad’s behaviour and try to confront him a couple of times, but they don’t really get anywhere.

Someone makes the quip ‘winter has come’ and then we’re watching JoJo and Chase sitting in front of a fireplace with some sort of fake snow drifting over them. JoJo is wearing enormous mittens. Apparently Chase wants to give JoJo an insight into his world. I would make a Game of Thrones reference here if I could think of one, but I’ve only seen Season 1 and the first couple of episodes of Season 2.

The rest of the cocktail party is full of more random moments:

  • Chad eating a TON of meat (and the guys making jokes about him taking the term ‘meathead’ to a whole new level)
  • JoJo and one of the guys throwing toilet paper over the front of the mansion.
  • Chad cutting into a few of the guys’ one-on-ones just because he wants to be a douche.
  • Alex confronting Chad and Chad threatening him with physical violence.

As the rose ceremony is about to start, Chad is still eating from a plate piled high with processed meat.

James T., Derek and Wells already have roses. The rest go to:

  • Alex
  • Christian
  • Robby
  • Luke
  • Chase
  • Jordan
  • Grant
  • Ali
  • Daniel
  • James F.
  • Nick (Oh! So that’s what he looks like!)
  • Vinny
  • Evan


  • Chad

Poor Superfan James S. is sent packing. So is Hipster Brandon and Will.

Before I go, can someone please tell me why that scene with Christian and JoJo in the bathroom was relegated to post credit status? I want to know why Christian thought it was okay to strip off his suit (with a ripped white dress shirt underneath!) and then jump into a bubble bath almost naked while trying to get JoJo to join him!

Anyway, thanks for visiting me again this week. I think I’m going to go and run a bubble bath of my own! Winter really has come in my part of the world!

Posted in The Bachelorette US.