The Men Tell All (with extra snark)

I think the Men Tall All has great potential, but it never seems to follow through. Tonight there were a few interesting moments, but no more than usual considering it’s supposed to be ‘the most controversial Bachelorette season ever’.

Chris Harrison opens the show, suggesting that the cause of all this drama is either because Kaitlyn has broken some unspoken Bachelor world rule, or fallen victim to an ‘ugly sexist double standard’.

I’d say it was a bit of both. As viewers, while we haven’t seen it for a while, we kind of expect a bit of a fairytale. And this season has really only focused on the drama between Shawn and Nick, which was kind of caused by Kaitlyn’s decisions. But then I also agree with the reasons she brought Nick on the show. You don’t want to end the process and wonder what might have been. I also don’t care who she slept with, but I can understand why Shawn might be upset, thinking he was the one and then finding out Kaitlyn slept with someone else afterwards.

What I think a lot of us might have preferred was a season a bit like Emily Maynard’s, where we followed her adorable slow burning love affair with Jef, yet saw how great her connection was with Arie. We still got the drama thanks to that dude who said Emily’s daughter was baggage, but the overall vibe was fun and sweet. I’m not sure I could use either of those words to describe Kaitlyn’s season.

Chris Harrison introduces the selection of guys chosen (some seemingly at random) to appear on tonight’s show:

  • Drunk Ryan M
  • New Age Tony (who was mute the entire night)
  • Cory
  • Ian (who got a surprisingly loud round of cheers)
  • Kupah
  • Corey (who I didn’t remember much from the show but who turned out to be super annoying)
  • Joshua (who still looked miserable)
  • Jonathan
  • Clint
  • Justin (who I only vaguely remembered because of his hair)
  • JJ
  • Tanner (who also decided to be annoying tonight)
  • Joe
  • Cupcake Chris
  • Ben Z (who I think got the loudest cheers of the night)
  • Jared
  • Ben H

But before we dig into the tiny number of new revelations from the season, let’s watch a preview of Bachelor In Paradise!

Naturally there is a lot of crying, a lot of making out and a lot of backstabbing.

Four things stood out to me during this extended montage:

  1. Virgin Ashley says that Jared is hot enough to be her first (because of course being attractive should be the top reason you give away your long held virginity).
  2. Tenley is on the show!
  3. Jared and Claire make out!
  4. Jonathan cries a lot.

And because most of the cast is in tonight’s audience, the camera pans to their faces, the majority cringing or laughing nervously at the fact that this abomination will be on air for the world to see in just over a week.

Oh, wait. They must really be stuck for content tonight because now we have to watch a bunch of Clorox Bleachable Moments, featuring Joe and Becca, the other virgin from Farmer Chris’ season.

These moments consist of:

  • Joe’s stray ball during the sumo date
  • Kaitlyn and Ben H standing in horse manure
  • Kaitlyn picking her nose and also smelling her feet during interviews.

As you may have noticed, tonight’s entry is all about the bullet points and summaries.

Now onto the good stuff. Only it’s not that good, really. Just a recap of the season, centring on the drama with Ryan M, JJ, Nick and Ian.

Tanner calls out Ian. Corey defends Ian. Ben H calls out Corey.

Ian looks like he’s going to maintain his arrogant stance, but then takes off his jacket, kneels down in the middle of the studio and grandly apologises for his behaviour on the show. I’m not sure if it was a last ditch attempt to be considered for the Bachelor role, but it made for moderately entertaining TV.

After he’s done, JJ gets up to shake his hand. JJ is annoyingly agreeable tonight. It’s that whole thing I noticed from the beginning – he flip-flops at the drop of a hat depending on which way the wind is blowing.

The attention turns to Clint, and Corey has a go at him (I’m not sure if there was anybody Corey didn’t have a go at tonight). Clint wants everyone to know he’s a straight man, and JJ tries to smooth things over by saying they were intellectually curious about each other. ‘There was a lot of meat to that,’ he explains. Which naturally sends the audience into fits of giggles, because aren’t we all teenage boys at heart?

JJ looks like he could talk about Clint all night until Kupah shuts him down. ‘We don’t care about your relationship with Clint!’ he says, clearly frustrated. But what he does care about is the whole Nick situation.

Cupcake Chris and JJ defend Kaitlyn. Joshua whines as per usual. But then Clint also defends Kaitlyn.

JJ is brought into the hot seat, where he apologises for everything right off the bat.

‘As strange as it seems, Kaitlyn really liked you,’ marvels Chris Harrison.

JJ doesn’t seem to mind the back-handed compliment. Joe thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but then JJ somehow gets back onto the topic of Clint.

Corey butts in AGAIN, and JJ tries to explain that he regrets using his normal sense of humour when he first met the guys, and that everyone seemed to like him more when he toned it down.

Chris Harrison then makes some lame joke about being able to finally announce something about JJ. He’s clearly trying to play up the gay angle. JJ just looks bewildered.

‘We’ll be seeing you in Bachelor in Paradise!’ Chris says.

Which we already knew because we just watched a preview.

Ben Z is up next. Everyone loves him, and I start to wonder if he’d be a better Bachelor choice than the other Ben. Incidentally, I felt like they were both similar in a lot of ways. Ben Z was just a bit beefier.

We watch his recap, which naturally shows the more painful moments of his journey. He admits that he started to shut down emotionally in Ireland after the wake date (as you would!). And then Chris asks him if he’s cried yet, seeing as he hasn’t shed a tear in eleven years.

‘I’ve come close, but no,’ Ben says to Chris’ clear disappointment.

Jared gets his turn. His recap reminds us that he was Love Man on night one, which I’d forgotten, but think is awesome. He then tells us that he now hears Linger everywhere and that he shaved because Chris Harrison hassled him about it. (Is it just me, or has Chris turned to the dark side this season?)

Ben H takes the hot seat and gets all the women squealing. ‘I don’t get it,’ Chris Harrison says. ‘Up close, he’s not that good looking.’

After his recap, Ben tells us the full story of the evening when Kaitlyn came to his and Shawn’s room and told Shawn he was the final one. Ben admits that he did feel like an outsider from that point.

It’s finally time for Kaitlyn to come out. She looks great in a sparkly, partly see-through dress. Chris readdresses the whole gender roles thing and how Kaitlyn has forced the show to push the boundaries about what should and shouldn’t be shown on TV. Or something.

Kaitlyn admits she has received death threats, and Chris decides to read a few of them aloud. It’s like some horribly warped version of Jimmy Kimmel’s ‘Celebrity Mean Tweets’.

The guys and the audience are horrified, all standing up to applaud Kaitlyn in a show of solidarity.

When they’ve settled down, a few of the guys take turns to ‘confront’ her, but obviously no one is going to say anything negative after what she’s already been through.

The one interesting question that I wondered myself (I think I even mentioned it in last week’s blog) was why Kaitlyn didn’t feel the need to tell Ben H about sleeping with Nick. Kaitlyn initially misunderstands the question and then doesn’t really do a good job of answering it once she does. I think Ben left feeling more dejected than ever.

Jonathan calls out Kaitlyn about Nick, and she calls him out for going on the show to meet Britt. In the end, she gives up trying to defend herself.

‘You try dating this many people and not make a mistake,’ she says wearily.

After a quick break, she takes the opportunity to ask Ryan M if he’s all horned up. He takes it in good fun and Kaitlyn accepts his apology for being drunk on the first night. She then makes a crack about his hair. I swear someone must have spiked the pre-show cocktails with snarky juice or something.

Kaitlyn then asks JJ why he didn’t treat her as well as he treated Clint.

Ian offers another over the top apology, but gets a cramp in his leg while trying to kneel on the floor. At first, Kaitlyn thinks he’s going to be mean again, but then seems genuinely pleased by his attempt to make amends.

Next up is the blooper reel. The highlight was seeing how after Joe declared that he’d be happy to grow old with Kaitlyn, he had to run off and pee in the bushes. So I’m assuming they had to do more than one take of that scene, which kind of spoils the illusion that it was all spontaneous at the time.

Joe then dons a bird mask in the studio and flaps around trying to freak Kaitlyn out. He actually partially succeeds, although Kaitlyn assures Joe the joke’s on him because she’s scared of the flapping noise, not the birds themselves. She then mentions the fact that people have been asking why she got birds tattooed on her arms if she’s scared of them. ‘Duh, it’s not like I can see them!’ is her (hopefully sarcastic) response.

Chris Harrison then promises an ‘ending like no other’ and a ‘dramatic ending you won’t believe’ which I’m pretty sure translates to ‘just your usual ending that we try to pretend is different but really isn’t.’

As the credits roll, everyone hugs, including Kaitlyn and Joe. Aw.

Next week is a big week in Bachelor World for me. I have the US Bachelorette finale to cover, followed by a two night premiere of the new Aussie Bachelor. And then Bachelor in Paradise starts next Sunday! Although just so you know, I won’t be blogging BIP. There’s only so much of this craziness I can fit into my life!

So, with less than a week to go, who do you think Kaitlyn will choose? Brains or brawn? We shall soon find out!

Posted in The Bachelorette US.