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The One About Nothing

I feel as if tonight was like the concept of Seinfeld – it was a show about nothing. At least Seinfeld was funny and entertaining. Tonight wasn’t either of those.

We open with Jared saying he doesn’t want any drama, but then watch as Ian pulls Kaitlyn aside for the showdown we mostly already saw last week.

Kaitlyn holds it together pretty well, and Ian walks out. He then tells the camera that he shouldn’t be punished for being a deep intellectual. Which is followed up with the very intellectual comment: ‘Oh man, I really need to have some sex’. And then another insightful statement: ‘I am destined to be the Bachelor’.

Nick swoops in to comfort Kaitlyn and admits that he spoke to Ian, so he had a pretty good idea what he might have said to her just now. He then tells the camera that he appreciated the amazing opportunity to comfort Kaitlyn. I hope he’s not channelling the chick from last season’s Bachelor who said her story was amazing because she had a dead husband.

After twenty minutes, the guys wonder where Nick is. Shawn goes off to track him down and sees him kissing Kaitlyn. This is the beginning of the end as he slowly becomes unhinged.

Kaitlyn tells the camera that intimacy is important to her (as it should be!) and then goes downstairs to inform the guys of Ian’s departure.

The rose ceremony is scheduled at The Alamo. Chris Harrison pulls Kaitlyn aside to remind her that after this week, she’s more than halfway through the journey. I feel like we should actually be much further along than that. Jeez. Is it still only Week 6/7?

Nick, Shawn and Ben H already have roses. The rest go to:

  • Jared
  • Chris (who said he would actually be willing to pull out his own tooth to stay)
  • JJ (?)
  • Joe
  • Ben Z
  • Tanner

Joshua admits that the Alamo was his last stand, and he was defeated. Justin also gets sent home, but his goodbye to Kaitlyn is super sweet. I hope he gets a stint on Bachelor In Paradise or something.

The next stop on this international journey is actually out of the States. Fancy that!

Everyone flies over to Dublin, Ireland and checks into their hotel. The colour green abounds, as do people dressed up as Leprechauns or doing river dancing in the street.

Someone makes the usual ‘Place X is the perfect place to fall in love’ comment. And in a case of foreshadowing, Kaitlyn says how she’s excited to go further with the guys (much, much further it seems).

Joe has never been outside America, and Shawn’s family is apparently very Irish.

The guys all drink Guinness, and Nick gets the first one-on-one. JJ remarks that Shawn needs a screaming pillow and a good cry.

And in the side story that won’t die, Brit is now bringing Brady home to meet her mother. Mum is bewildered. ‘He seems like a nice friend,’ she says uncertainly. But what is the purpose of this pretend hometown date? is the unspoken question.

Kaitlyn says that she doesn’t care whether the other guys like Nick (although their opinion seemed to matter with Clint). They meet up in the town square and wander around near a duck pond. Nick is bemused by Kaitlyn’s fear of birds. Despite the fact that I really like Shawn, I have to admit, Nick and Kaitlyn have really good chemistry. He hoists her up in the air so she can watch a street performance, and then they dance with some random Irish dancers (fyi, in Ireland, they just call it dancing).

They buy matching rings that are supposed to go on their wedding fingers and then Nick pushes Kaitlyn up against the wall for a make-out session, Arie and Emily style. I still think Arie did it better.

Next up is a visit to the local Irish pub (fyi, in Ireland, they just call it a pub) and Nick gropes Kailtyn like it’s an Olympic sport.

Kaitlyn’s rational brain is so overcome with lust that she can no longer think straight. She worries that her relationship with Nick is too passionate.

Back at the hotel, the guys are talking about the group date and the fact that the two guys who don’t go on that date will probably have to go on a two-on-one.

Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H and Chris are the lucky group date guys, which leaves JJ and Joe to fight it out in the two-on-one.

JJ tells the camera that he hurts for Joe because he knows Joe is going to lose out. But to Joe he says ‘There’s no better guy to have out there.’

‘I wish it was mutual,’ Joe replies.

Nick and Kaitlyn have dinner in a church but end up kissing more than eating. Kaitlyn is so into Nick that she invites him back to her hotel. They kiss all the way there… and then on the couch… and then behind closed doors in her room.

Meanwhile, Shawn and Jared are talking about how hard it is to see Kaitlyn with Nick, and how they hope he’s having a crap time.

Note to the Bachelor producers: please don’t make us feel even more gross about being voyeurs to this horror show by making us listen to sex noises.

The next morning, Kaitlyn stands on her balcony mouthing OMG. Nick walks back to the hotel dishevelled (or is that just his usual state?) and Kaitlyn suddenly realises that there might be implications from last night’s behaviour. She is worried that if Nick tells everyone what they did, it might ruin the relationship she has with the other guys.

Joe is very mature about Nick’s toned down confession and says Kaitlyn must rate him highly to give her that extra time. He then mentions that Shawn also got some of that time. Interesting…

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is working herself into a frenzy of self-loathing.

Then it’s time for the group date. I’ll summarise it because it’s not worthy of a full recap.

  • CH says Kaitlyn is dead… for today.
  • The guys attend a pretend wake to celebrate Kaitlyn’s life.
  • Tanner is funny, Cupcake sings, Ben H is weird, Shawn makes a dig about Nick, and Ben Z gets everyone to leave so he can talk to Kaitlyn privately because he takes funerals seriously.
  • A banjo and guitar duo come in to liven things up at the end.

The after-party is held at the Guinness store house. Ben Z and Kaitlyn have a sweet private moment. Then it’s Jared’s turn, and he says Kaitlyn made a beautiful corpse today.

When Jared returns to the other guys, he tells them that it’s important just to focus on their own relationships and not get freaked out by the other guys.

Someone who is not following that advice is Shawn. He tries his best though, and shares some family pictures with Kaitlyn. He feels pretty good about their connection afterwards.

But then five seconds later, Kaitlyn gives the rose to Jared and he starts going downhill again.

Kaitlyn and Jared get to go off to a private concert in a cathedral with the Cranberries. Finally a band I’ve heard of! And then Shawn breaks Bachelor code and heads off to chat with one of the producers instead of one of his buddies on the show. Apparently on his date with Kaitlyn last week, they also spent all night together (did we miss that?) and she told him he was the one off camera.

‘I love the girl,’ he says. ‘But I can’t do this.’

Somehow he gets permission to go see Kaitlyn in her hotel room, and Kaitlyn thinks he’s mad because of the Nick situation. It’s all very comedy of errors.

The preview for next week makes things even more confusing. Are all the guy tears the result of one event, or several spread out over the rest of the season?

I guess we’ll have to wait to find out!

Apologies for the shorter recap today. I put it down to the lack of actual content, and my waning interest in a season that is just plain confusing and not very romantic.

Fingers crossed the Aussie series pulls through and delivers a good one this year!

Posted in The Bachelorette US.